Weirdo

I don't feel as real in the world, as I do in my head- the world calls me Autistic. I move to a different rhythm. I have a different song playing in my head. I like being in my head. It is a beautiful garden playground with some mud holes. I am never bored with it.

It is the outside world, that is uncomfortable. The volume knob on the world is turned way up. There is a great deal of stimuli to order and understand. The world has too much of the flavor, chaos. In the world, I am tossed about and I always feel a need to put something in my shoes to keep my feet on the ground.

I feel like a naked alien in this world that we all call home. In the world- I’m always at attention, in anticipation of being spotted as a non-person, ready to run back into my head, like a ghost crab blending into the sand. For a long time, I just thought that I wasn't as good at being normal as other people. It took me a long time to realize that I was different- that I am a weirdo.

In order to convey what conversion means to me- I will compare myself to the character Pinocchio. I feel as though I start each day experiencing the love of my father, God, yet in my foolishness- I am curious of the world and want to explore and experience the world as some kind of counterpoint to the love of the father.

Just as Pinocchio’s nose grows when he lies, my nose seems to grow each time I make up the truth as I try on different truths in an effort to understand the real story of my life.

In the world it seems like I am in the belly of a whale, most days. And it is when I remember where I am, that I remember the love of the father, and each time I choose again to love him in return. So while being in a whale's stomach is not where I want to be all the time, I wouldn't change anything about these experiences where I learn who I am in the Lord. My relationship with my father grows richer and more real and I learn to bring that love into the world, as the whale eventually spits me out.

In my running away from God and then back to him- I have been living in and out of different modes of being- being real, pretending to be real, living in my sinful nature, living in the spirit. Falling into a hole, digging myself out with the help of God’s grace. Each go around the wheel, understanding and remembering a little bit more of who I really am- A child of God meant to be in Love. In love with God more and more intimately, which is what my life is about- to give of myself to him, to give myself to love, to give myself to truth, to give of myself to others. To be okay with the feeling of being a naked alien in a sea filled with others. To invite God more and more into all the spaces in my head. To being okay with being in the belly of a whale as part of the process.

God's love for his children is constant, whether I know it or accept it. He loves me in all my wretchedness, whether I am in my head alone or inviting him in and living my life fully. He is always inviting, never forcing me to be like him- in Love. I am still in the process of remembering that God is with me always, and part of my remembering is in accepting my autism, my weirdness and others even when they can’t accept me as I am.